At A Standstill

I fear.

I fear that I will never get over the rage, the hate, the self-loathing and regret, and continue with the pity party that I have made for myself. That there will never come a time for the past to not haunt me every month, at random times in a week, at different hours in a day. I fear... I fear that my dreams no matter how many times I think of them, will remain as that: an idea, a beautiful image at the back of my mind.

I fear.

Countdown to 28

Aside from the stork's delivery of Sidney, one thing that I look forward to is my family's visit here in Bukidnon. These past few days, I was anxiously thinking about what will happen when we finally meet again with an additional family member, Sidney. Being away for so long, I really miss them and I feel bad not being with them especially in trying times. Not to mention, I was thinking 'what if I cannot relate to them anymore?' I'll probably die a little bit inside.

My dad called me today and the feeling of longing doubled. I want to feel their hugs again. The conversation was light hearted, nothing really heavy or what but I can feel the longing and care and love too. I felt assured that there is a home for me whatever may happen and that I can be safe there with them.

I am excited to see Sidney, but there is a difference when the one you're expecting to see is the love you have from far away. Sidney and Ren made a new chapter in my life - both of significant importance, both are delicious slices of life.

Pilipinas at ang Midyang Pangmasa

Dahil patungkol sa Pilipinas ang saloobin na ibabahagi ko ngayon, hindi muna ako mag-iingles.

Inaamin kong hindi ko masyadong pinagtutuuan ng pansin ang Midya sa Pilipinas, para sa akin, kuntento ako sa mga balitang inihahain sa akin. Ito ay dahil nararapat lamang na ibalita sa mga mamamayan ang mga importanteng kaganapan sa ating bansa. Ngunit simula nuong napanuod ko ang isang dokumentaryong gawa ng ibang bansa tungkol sa isang hostage taking sa Maynila, naisip kong sumusobra na ang kalayaang ibinibigay natin sa Midya - hindi na ito naaayon, at nakakasira na ito ng buhay.

Isang salamin ng mamamayang Pilipino ang mga ipinapakita natin sa telebisyon, sa radyo, sa internet, at sa mga dyaryo. Isang bagay na malinaw na ipinapahiwatig natin sa ating mga karatig bansa kung gaano natin pinapahalagahan ang pribadong buhay ng mga sikat na personalidad sa ating bansa: pulitikal man o nasa entertainment industry.

Hindi ko ngayon mapigilang masuya sa mga balitang ipinapahayag sa telebisyon. Alam kong sumusobra na sa pamantayan ng 'tama' ang ibinabalita nila sa kadahilanang halos lahat ng balita natin ngayon ay puro mga "chismis" puro sabaw sa pinaka sentro ng totoong isyu. HAI. Tayo namang mga mamayan, kagat lamang ng kagat sa mga trending kuno na mga balita.

I miss Daddy...

Na mimiss ko si Dad.

When I was a lot younger (until now...) I secretly consider myself as daddy's girl. Even though we constantly get into cold wars. Right now, I just want to hug him, because whenever I do, I feel secure, I feel that everything is going to be alright and whatever wrong things I did was a lesson that I am supposed to learn.

I miss my dad and his corny jokes to make us laugh. I miss his gentle way of telling me he loves me. I miss how he would take my hands to dance waltz or any other dance. I miss how he encourages me to go with him to jog or run or bike at UP. I miss how he talks to me like an adult capable of making choices. I miss how he makes an effort to know and be involved with our hobbies. I miss how he would let us be responsible persons. I miss how he encourages us to reason out and defend what we like. I miss how he favors us (me, brother and sister) over anyone, and how I know he won't be turning his back on us. I miss how he corrects our mistakes with a stern look and one on one late night conversations juicing me to tell the truth even though sometimes I refuse to be honest. I know he knows that I lie - and I suffer the consequences of lying to him (them - dad and mom).

I was wrong to think that he doesn't understand me because more than anyone else, I know he understands even the most twisted logic with love.

I know he appears to be tough, but he's a big softie inside, I hate myself for hurting him, (them - mom included).

No one can replace your parents... and I refuse to replace them with anyone else... For me, they are the best human beings in the world.

I wish that I'm with them now.

Redeeming Myself - Reflection no. 1

Matthew 13:54-58

54 Coming to his hometown, he began teaching the people in their synagogue, and they were astonished and said, “Where did this man get this wisdom and these miraculous powers?” they asked. 55 “Isn’t this the carpenter’s son? Isn’t his mother’s name Mary, and aren’t his brothers James, Joseph, Simon and Judas? 56 Aren’t all his sisters with us? Where then did this man get all these things?” 57 And they took offense at him.
But Jesus said to them, “A prophet is not without honor except in his own town and in his own home." 58 And he did not do many miracles there because of their lack of faith.

"Ikaw na yung tinutulungan, ikaw pa yung galit" Can you relate to this phrase? or mas makakarelate ka kung gagawin nating: "Ikaw na yung nangutang, ikaw pa yung galit [pag naniningil na]" something to that effect.

There are times I feel bad when other people help me. Weird, kasi ako na nga yung tinutulungan, pero ako pa yung masama ang loob. It's just now that I realize it bothers me when people start to get into my business, whatever that might be. Probably some people think that they could lend an extra hand to help me, which I will begrudgingly accept.

I am very well aware of this ugali of mine an accept that yes, I am a bit of prideful. It's just that I do think highly of myself and that I can manage on my own or maybe it's just that, having someone tell me what to do or that I need help, makes me feel like a lesser person.

I feel for the people in the synagogues where Jesus came. For a long time, they own the place, for a long time, they are the authority in the city, then, in a snap - lo and behold, Jesus came into the picture. Someone who is there to help them, someone who is there ready to redeem them.

For a moment there, they forgot that eventually, someone more fitting will come. For a time there, all they thought about was being outshined and threatened by Jesus whom they saw as a carpenter's son.

Minsan, hindi natin napapansin na hindi lang pala tayo ang magaling sa mundo. Na ang buhay natin ay hinddi lamang para sa sarili, na pwede natin gawin ang lahat ng ninanais nating gawin. Hindi natin napapansin na masyado na nating ipinagkakait ang ating sarili sa iba, taliwas sa turo ni Hesus na maging "Tao para sa kapwa"

Mahirap aminin na may mga bagay na hindi natin kaya / hirap tayong gawin upang mabuhay ng para sa ating sarili lamang - hindi ito ang dahilan kung bakit tayo nandito sa mundo. Tayo ay nabubuhay para mamahagi at makibahagi sa kapwa. Sa araw-araw, sa sarili at sa Diyos.


HAPPY BIRTHDAY SIR NINOY!