It was Saturday and Sunday yesterday

...and all that I heard about is love.

October 22, 2011

Dear Love,

I opened my eyes early today. It was with the intention of getting up early and going to my counselling appointment on the dot. But knowing me, opening my eyes early does not mean waking up and start my day. It was merely the physical act of 'opening of the eyes'. I fell back to sleep. I am deprived of a decent one since I was out last night and my head hurts.

10:05 AM and there I was, sitting, waiting for Lola Jessie to call me for my turn. Not a minute has passed since I sat on in front of her, I found myself reaching for a piece of tissue. Deep inside me, I am mad. Mad of what is happening with me: why is it so hard for him to forgive?


Maybe I have become his object of hate? Like what happened to Hitler...

Will it ever be that one day I'll just wake up and realize that I am about to get married? And be surprised at how I hid the relationship for a long time...

But I am not that convinced that he is such a control freak. I know he is, but I just can't accept that so easily just because someone told me so... I know he likes to be in control but not to the point of being freaky. And besides, I can see that he just wants us to be happy. (oh my god, that made me teary)

What I cannot control is out not my problem... Yet, the repercussion of one's action towards me greatly influences my decisions. That's where I need to sort things out - is it me? or is it them?

moving on...

I usually go directly to the office to work, but that day, I went to have my face cleaned a.k.a. facial. How vain of me. hahaha. forgive me ok? My head still freaking hurts. After that, I went to eat pasta at Cerealicious. How I hope someone I'm comfortable to be with is there eating silently beside me... but the catharsis and the food and the me time kinda removes a bit of stress.


Know thyself, love thyself. 

I found myself facing a difficult decision: to spend time with the people I miss or to prioritize my work. Asking for advise I texted Lorenzo, well... I ended up working than going to Star City. Hmm... I guess it's ok (neutral), I had time for myself that morning, I had to sacrifice and know my priorities.

October 23, 2011

Dear Love,

What did I do? I woke up and cleaned the fan. Today seems good; the air is cool and it's not so sunny, I even felt like jogging that afternoon. But it rained. My father took my brother to UP and there's no chance I'll go there too... The tension is just too great (kahit na ang laki laki na ng UP), I needed time away from him. I just want to disappear from the face of the earth.

I feel like suffocating. Ewan ko ba, parang ayoko nang gumalaw... :(

Do you know the feeling of wanting someone near you and yet you push them away? It's a complicated thing... And it sucks. I wish love and forgiveness is the only thing present in this world. It's much easier that way, because you don't have to resort to other negative alternative like pushing the person away or showing them that you don't like them.

Even the priest's homily talks about love... It's becoming more mysterious to me, love...

And here I am and my poor self thinking if I really loved... or if I am capable of loving...

Hoping that in my heart the answer is yes.

my everyday cluttered table

and my futile attempts to set it on fire

my first year anniversary blog entry in the corporate world

Dear Life,

It was my first year anniversary in my first corporate job last October 18, 2011. I cannot believe that I already spent a year waking up and going to work for more than 288 days of my waking life. Personally, it's like studying without the assignments but ten times the expectations, pressure and stress.

There are days when my mind screams "Oh how I looove to work!", Ethel style overflowing with Sheldon Cooper's sarcasm, and days when I catch myself smiling and saying, "I love what I do and I'll do better tomorrow" without malice, only pure determination.

By now, I already know the feeling of working really hard and working just for the hell of it. You get defensive and all aggressive when someone criticizes the work that you spent precious time perfecting - you feel smug proving them wrong, otherwise you just shrug it off.

The workload is literally taller than me. I was not complaining at first, but when the taller than me workload becomes the reason for my failures I realized that even stupid people know when to stop and take a break. I learned that when you get used to working and working and working, it becomes a self-destructive drug. I know it's too early for me to say, but at some point I saw myself evolving as a workaholic monster type of person - not good, not good.

People are nice but they love to talk about other people's personal life. I always try to keep it low on my personal transactions, interactions and other things that spell P-E-R-S-O-N-A-L. It doesn't feel nice people asking you various personal questions like they genuinely care... I think it's only a way to juice up the everyday office life.

But above all, I love the people in my department/division. I do not think I can handle the pressure if it weren't for them. Yes, we all have this unique idiosyncrasies most of the time, but they are decent and loving and I love them. haha, hey they better be touched when they read this (if ever they do). Even though sometimes I feel like being bullied (especially) or tasks are being (unjustly) thrown at me. I still love them in and out of the office, it kind of compensates with the amount of job that I currently have, the laughing and bonding time with them, it definitely makes my day.

mga sentimyento habang nakikinig ng 'marry me' sa pc.

October 18, 2011

Dear Diary,

Nasa office ako ngayon at habang nag ttrabaho ako ng taimtim, biglang pumasok sa isip ko kung anong klaseng kapatid ba ako at kung anong klaseng kapatid ba ako dapat. 

see...ang laki ng pagkakaiba niyan diba?

Naisip ko... kung nakikita ako ng mga kapatid ko, siguro dapat ay umayos ako ng kilos tulad ng kung paano tayo kumikilos sa harapan ng mga taong gusto natin...magpa-impress. AHEM. Example: crush, boss, mga akala nating admirers, at yung mga taong may gusto tayong patunayan.

Napansin ko kasing oo nga, ginagaya ng kapatid ko yung mga kilos ko (unconsciously) kahit na minsan alam nilang mali ito. You always want the best for the ones you love. Kaya naman pag nakikita mong napupunta sila sa mali, may guilt feeling ka din... (applicable to para sa mga taong may malasakit sa kapwa kapatid).


Nasa tabi ko kasi sina Sir Denz tsaka yung kapatid niya, knowing Sir Denz, ingat na ingat siya sa pangalan niya... Madali lang naman i-justify kung bakit. Dahil pangalan lang ang meron tayo dito sa mundo, yung pangalan mo ang magdedefine kung sino ka kung anong klaseng tao ka. Isang factor na din siguro dahil kasama niya sa trabaho yung kapatid niya, isang pagkakamali niya, boom. Apektado din si kapatid.

Alam niya yun, at siguro oras na din para i-absorb ko ito at isabuhay.