Countdown to 28

Aside from the stork's delivery of Sidney, one thing that I look forward to is my family's visit here in Bukidnon. These past few days, I was anxiously thinking about what will happen when we finally meet again with an additional family member, Sidney. Being away for so long, I really miss them and I feel bad not being with them especially in trying times. Not to mention, I was thinking 'what if I cannot relate to them anymore?' I'll probably die a little bit inside.

My dad called me today and the feeling of longing doubled. I want to feel their hugs again. The conversation was light hearted, nothing really heavy or what but I can feel the longing and care and love too. I felt assured that there is a home for me whatever may happen and that I can be safe there with them.

I am excited to see Sidney, but there is a difference when the one you're expecting to see is the love you have from far away. Sidney and Ren made a new chapter in my life - both of significant importance, both are delicious slices of life.

Pilipinas at ang Midyang Pangmasa

Dahil patungkol sa Pilipinas ang saloobin na ibabahagi ko ngayon, hindi muna ako mag-iingles.

Inaamin kong hindi ko masyadong pinagtutuuan ng pansin ang Midya sa Pilipinas, para sa akin, kuntento ako sa mga balitang inihahain sa akin. Ito ay dahil nararapat lamang na ibalita sa mga mamamayan ang mga importanteng kaganapan sa ating bansa. Ngunit simula nuong napanuod ko ang isang dokumentaryong gawa ng ibang bansa tungkol sa isang hostage taking sa Maynila, naisip kong sumusobra na ang kalayaang ibinibigay natin sa Midya - hindi na ito naaayon, at nakakasira na ito ng buhay.

Isang salamin ng mamamayang Pilipino ang mga ipinapakita natin sa telebisyon, sa radyo, sa internet, at sa mga dyaryo. Isang bagay na malinaw na ipinapahiwatig natin sa ating mga karatig bansa kung gaano natin pinapahalagahan ang pribadong buhay ng mga sikat na personalidad sa ating bansa: pulitikal man o nasa entertainment industry.

Hindi ko ngayon mapigilang masuya sa mga balitang ipinapahayag sa telebisyon. Alam kong sumusobra na sa pamantayan ng 'tama' ang ibinabalita nila sa kadahilanang halos lahat ng balita natin ngayon ay puro mga "chismis" puro sabaw sa pinaka sentro ng totoong isyu. HAI. Tayo namang mga mamayan, kagat lamang ng kagat sa mga trending kuno na mga balita.

I miss Daddy...

Na mimiss ko si Dad.

When I was a lot younger (until now...) I secretly consider myself as daddy's girl. Even though we constantly get into cold wars. Right now, I just want to hug him, because whenever I do, I feel secure, I feel that everything is going to be alright and whatever wrong things I did was a lesson that I am supposed to learn.

I miss my dad and his corny jokes to make us laugh. I miss his gentle way of telling me he loves me. I miss how he would take my hands to dance waltz or any other dance. I miss how he encourages me to go with him to jog or run or bike at UP. I miss how he talks to me like an adult capable of making choices. I miss how he makes an effort to know and be involved with our hobbies. I miss how he would let us be responsible persons. I miss how he encourages us to reason out and defend what we like. I miss how he favors us (me, brother and sister) over anyone, and how I know he won't be turning his back on us. I miss how he corrects our mistakes with a stern look and one on one late night conversations juicing me to tell the truth even though sometimes I refuse to be honest. I know he knows that I lie - and I suffer the consequences of lying to him (them - dad and mom).

I was wrong to think that he doesn't understand me because more than anyone else, I know he understands even the most twisted logic with love.

I know he appears to be tough, but he's a big softie inside, I hate myself for hurting him, (them - mom included).

No one can replace your parents... and I refuse to replace them with anyone else... For me, they are the best human beings in the world.

I wish that I'm with them now.

Redeeming Myself - Reflection no. 1

Matthew 13:54-58

54 Coming to his hometown, he began teaching the people in their synagogue, and they were astonished and said, “Where did this man get this wisdom and these miraculous powers?” they asked. 55 “Isn’t this the carpenter’s son? Isn’t his mother’s name Mary, and aren’t his brothers James, Joseph, Simon and Judas? 56 Aren’t all his sisters with us? Where then did this man get all these things?” 57 And they took offense at him.
But Jesus said to them, “A prophet is not without honor except in his own town and in his own home." 58 And he did not do many miracles there because of their lack of faith.

"Ikaw na yung tinutulungan, ikaw pa yung galit" Can you relate to this phrase? or mas makakarelate ka kung gagawin nating: "Ikaw na yung nangutang, ikaw pa yung galit [pag naniningil na]" something to that effect.

There are times I feel bad when other people help me. Weird, kasi ako na nga yung tinutulungan, pero ako pa yung masama ang loob. It's just now that I realize it bothers me when people start to get into my business, whatever that might be. Probably some people think that they could lend an extra hand to help me, which I will begrudgingly accept.

I am very well aware of this ugali of mine an accept that yes, I am a bit of prideful. It's just that I do think highly of myself and that I can manage on my own or maybe it's just that, having someone tell me what to do or that I need help, makes me feel like a lesser person.

I feel for the people in the synagogues where Jesus came. For a long time, they own the place, for a long time, they are the authority in the city, then, in a snap - lo and behold, Jesus came into the picture. Someone who is there to help them, someone who is there ready to redeem them.

For a moment there, they forgot that eventually, someone more fitting will come. For a time there, all they thought about was being outshined and threatened by Jesus whom they saw as a carpenter's son.

Minsan, hindi natin napapansin na hindi lang pala tayo ang magaling sa mundo. Na ang buhay natin ay hinddi lamang para sa sarili, na pwede natin gawin ang lahat ng ninanais nating gawin. Hindi natin napapansin na masyado na nating ipinagkakait ang ating sarili sa iba, taliwas sa turo ni Hesus na maging "Tao para sa kapwa"

Mahirap aminin na may mga bagay na hindi natin kaya / hirap tayong gawin upang mabuhay ng para sa ating sarili lamang - hindi ito ang dahilan kung bakit tayo nandito sa mundo. Tayo ay nabubuhay para mamahagi at makibahagi sa kapwa. Sa araw-araw, sa sarili at sa Diyos.


HAPPY BIRTHDAY SIR NINOY!

Almost Hibernating

Dearest Lord Almighty,

Since I cannot clearly get the sentiments out of my mind, I would like to describe first the weather outside, and eventually, you'll get to me.

Just like any other weekday, at around 4pm, the rain will start to pour. Amazing how in this side of the country, rain is as predictable as animal's instinct for food when hungry. Just like any other weekday, I am getting used to living away from home, but not feeling as complete as I used to be.

I wake up, I eat, I rest, and I get a lots of free time for myself. I am merely drifting through life and I hate the fact that I do not know what to do about it. I hate the fact that I cannot be me even to myself.

I want to have my life back. I want to have the freedom to express myself without others commenting what’s good for me like they know me… Because until now, the only people in my life who has the right to tell me what to do are my parents (and that's saying a lot because they do not impose). I am free to choose, I am free to decide at my own pace - I am guided by reason and trusted as an adult not as a child. I want my busy life back where I experience and learn and feel that I am in charge of my own destiny. I do not like people telling me that I will eventually like living away from my hometown because, deep inside me I know I will always come back to the place where I am most me.

I am ambitious. And I will hate myself if I cannot achieve what I want. I know I have a family to manage and people will constantly tell me that it will be hard and all. But I do not believe them. Because I know that I can do it. I may feel hopeless at times and think about how bad the situation is but if you let me be and give me the resources I need, I can.

I want to work, I want to study, I want to learn… argh I want to go to places. I want to earn for myself, Sidney and Ren… And I will do just that. I hate restrictions from people I barely know… but I can never set aside respect… In a way, everything is about self sacrifice…

I feel down today, and angsty… I hope not to be like this for long… Please help me Lord.

Amen.

Skipping work

Today would be my 5th tardiness for the month so I skipped work.

I feel weird, I have been back to thinking during mornings (you know, the time you wake up and actually get up) I feel weird , like... lonely weird and guilty weird.

Renelyn, a friend of mine at the office stopped talking to me - the friendly type of talk, and at first, I thought she's just having somewhat a prolonged mood swing but yesterday I went to the restroom and she didn't even look me in the eye. That bothered me a lot. Let us say that I had a really foul mood after that. Most likely that's the reason for the lonely weird feeling.

The guilty weird feeling, I think comes from me not going to work today. That instead of working, I went to the mall to buy a book, went to greenhills and bought more stuff and went to trinoma, sang to my hearts content and watched One More Try which I hated very much.

And now I feel like avoiding the mall for a good deal of time :) but good heavens! Today felt good, especially that I bought a new swimwear and of course that I sang my heart out :))

It's always darkest before the dawn

Its funny to think that I was dying to write another blog post, yet here I am staring at the whiteness of the screen and not have anything to say at all! But since I really am dying to write another blog post, please allow me to rant about how my day went.

I was supposed to go to the office early today, like around on or before 10 AM, unfortunately, I was having this bad headache and the bed is too comfortable and friendly to me that I actually got out of bed at 10 AM - not because I did sleep, but I let my mind make excuses not to get up. I think that's pretty much the reason why I always get late: thinking of reasons why not to get up. I was oblivious about it at first, but one morning it just struck me. It has become a habit. And I always am late for work. After the realization, I decided eventually to move on autopilot on weekday mornings if I do want to keep my job (management's pretty strict on attendance). In this case, not that I do not want to work today - I just don't want to move - besides, its Saturday.

After waylaying and talking to my mom about my plans on further studies, I finally took a bath, ate a little and off to work. Trains have been an essential part of my life, yes, even though I get squished by strangers during rush hour and honestly think that it makes me more of a mean person day by day. You see, these are strangers who doesn't care about other strangers (more often than not), and who needs to ride the train to get to work - and when crappy things happen like train technicalities which causes delay on transportation: "to hell with caring and being selfless, I'll shove you if I have to because I think only of myself ". Do you get me? I hope you do, because I have been thinking about it a lot. 

I got in the office at around 12 noon - and its almost lunch time and lunch is already almost served in the office (chicken, tilapia, bangus, mangga, laing, chopsuey - yum!). There are only a bunch of us in the office mostly people in Finance and Steph (my fellow HR officemate). After we had our hearty lunch, Ms. Baby called me to have a meeting and to tell you the truth, I am actually starting to like having meetings, because I can almost brag about how 'well' I do work (haha! believe me I am boastful on the inside) Hearing 'very good' was not a usual thing to me when I was in my previous work, but I think, I'm getting used to hearing it here and it just feeds my boast-o-meter; definitely not in a bad way. It actually motivates me to do things better if not the best. 

It was past 6:00 PM when Steph and I decided to call it a day and head home. It was tiring, and my head is still aching a bit, nevertheless I feel accomplished, I was able to really finish my agenda for the day! yay!

My day ended pretty nice since all of us including lola (except Niño) were gathered in the dining area talking about old day classic music (Kenny Rankin, Tina Turner, Led Zeppelin, Michael Jackson, Simon & Garfunkel, Earth Wind & Fire, etc.) which my dad was a little bit enthusiastic about, and my mom, just smiles at dad, and lola just smiles at dad too (and tells random stories because she has a weak hearing and cannot fully understand what dad is actually saying), Aya commenting on how corny I am and she already knows to whom I got it from. I feel happy and it's a nice feeling - it overpowers all the negativity in the world. 

We all went back to our own businesses after that. I guess, I'm pretty much happy with what I wrote... 

P.S. I already finished reading The Perks of Being a Wallflower. 

How Do I Love Thee, Let me count the ways...

by Elizabeth Barrett Browning (1806-1861)

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. I love thee to the depth and breadth and height My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight For the ends of Being and ideal Grace. I love thee to the level of everyday's Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light. I love thee freely, as men strive for Right; I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise. I love thee with a passion put to use In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith. I love thee with a love I seemed to lose With my lost saints, --- I love thee with the breath, Smiles, tears, of all my life! --- and, if God choose, I shall but love thee better after death.