Almost Hibernating

Dearest Lord Almighty,

Since I cannot clearly get the sentiments out of my mind, I would like to describe first the weather outside, and eventually, you'll get to me.

Just like any other weekday, at around 4pm, the rain will start to pour. Amazing how in this side of the country, rain is as predictable as animal's instinct for food when hungry. Just like any other weekday, I am getting used to living away from home, but not feeling as complete as I used to be.

I wake up, I eat, I rest, and I get a lots of free time for myself. I am merely drifting through life and I hate the fact that I do not know what to do about it. I hate the fact that I cannot be me even to myself.

I want to have my life back. I want to have the freedom to express myself without others commenting what’s good for me like they know me… Because until now, the only people in my life who has the right to tell me what to do are my parents (and that's saying a lot because they do not impose). I am free to choose, I am free to decide at my own pace - I am guided by reason and trusted as an adult not as a child. I want my busy life back where I experience and learn and feel that I am in charge of my own destiny. I do not like people telling me that I will eventually like living away from my hometown because, deep inside me I know I will always come back to the place where I am most me.

I am ambitious. And I will hate myself if I cannot achieve what I want. I know I have a family to manage and people will constantly tell me that it will be hard and all. But I do not believe them. Because I know that I can do it. I may feel hopeless at times and think about how bad the situation is but if you let me be and give me the resources I need, I can.

I want to work, I want to study, I want to learn… argh I want to go to places. I want to earn for myself, Sidney and Ren… And I will do just that. I hate restrictions from people I barely know… but I can never set aside respect… In a way, everything is about self sacrifice…

I feel down today, and angsty… I hope not to be like this for long… Please help me Lord.

Amen.