Sore loser

My end of the year pikon moment due to losing a Tetris Battle

I was losing, but I owned. Then I was back at losing. Again. tsk but really I enjoyed the tetris game with Lorenzo, even though I had a momentary fit about him winning. :(( I almost want to curse him hahaha (what a sore loser)

2011 has been a disaster for me, and I never want to go through everything that I went through again. It was a series of ups and downs, emphasizing on the down moments because they out number the ups.

Nevertheless, I will do my best this year, cool and clean :)

the things you acknowledge but refuse to learn

there are countless times that we go through the same things over and over and over again.

Yet we refuse to learn.

and we acknowledge the fact that we like it happening...

even though it WASTES our TIME. our EFFORT. and tramples our HOPE.

"kahit na sino alam na kapag ang isang tao hindi na nag rerespond hindi na yun tuloy..."

...and here you are, doing it again.

My personal Death in Teheran moment.

Inspired by Mr. Viktor Frankl.

Small decisions matter. A lot.

I was about to go out of the office when I suddenly bumped into one of the managers who wants to avail of his annual check-up. Remembering this, I jovially asked him his preferred date and package for the check-up. He told me to come with him enthusiastically, his usual self.

I went with him to his office, he asked one of my officemate to hand him the package list that I gave them so he can decide on what to avail. My girl officemate gave a look, instantly I think I know that I am in trouble, a big one at that. I grabbed the paper with the list and there you go, confidential information was printed at the back of the package list. Then I found out that she was about to send an email to my superior regarding the incident.

Whew. I was almost doomed by a hair strand.

That is what you call luck. fate. destiny. what... mercy from God... my personal death in teheran moment.

I instantly remembered Viktor Frankl.

It was Saturday and Sunday yesterday

...and all that I heard about is love.

October 22, 2011

Dear Love,

I opened my eyes early today. It was with the intention of getting up early and going to my counselling appointment on the dot. But knowing me, opening my eyes early does not mean waking up and start my day. It was merely the physical act of 'opening of the eyes'. I fell back to sleep. I am deprived of a decent one since I was out last night and my head hurts.

10:05 AM and there I was, sitting, waiting for Lola Jessie to call me for my turn. Not a minute has passed since I sat on in front of her, I found myself reaching for a piece of tissue. Deep inside me, I am mad. Mad of what is happening with me: why is it so hard for him to forgive?


Maybe I have become his object of hate? Like what happened to Hitler...

Will it ever be that one day I'll just wake up and realize that I am about to get married? And be surprised at how I hid the relationship for a long time...

But I am not that convinced that he is such a control freak. I know he is, but I just can't accept that so easily just because someone told me so... I know he likes to be in control but not to the point of being freaky. And besides, I can see that he just wants us to be happy. (oh my god, that made me teary)

What I cannot control is out not my problem... Yet, the repercussion of one's action towards me greatly influences my decisions. That's where I need to sort things out - is it me? or is it them?

moving on...

I usually go directly to the office to work, but that day, I went to have my face cleaned a.k.a. facial. How vain of me. hahaha. forgive me ok? My head still freaking hurts. After that, I went to eat pasta at Cerealicious. How I hope someone I'm comfortable to be with is there eating silently beside me... but the catharsis and the food and the me time kinda removes a bit of stress.


Know thyself, love thyself. 

I found myself facing a difficult decision: to spend time with the people I miss or to prioritize my work. Asking for advise I texted Lorenzo, well... I ended up working than going to Star City. Hmm... I guess it's ok (neutral), I had time for myself that morning, I had to sacrifice and know my priorities.

October 23, 2011

Dear Love,

What did I do? I woke up and cleaned the fan. Today seems good; the air is cool and it's not so sunny, I even felt like jogging that afternoon. But it rained. My father took my brother to UP and there's no chance I'll go there too... The tension is just too great (kahit na ang laki laki na ng UP), I needed time away from him. I just want to disappear from the face of the earth.

I feel like suffocating. Ewan ko ba, parang ayoko nang gumalaw... :(

Do you know the feeling of wanting someone near you and yet you push them away? It's a complicated thing... And it sucks. I wish love and forgiveness is the only thing present in this world. It's much easier that way, because you don't have to resort to other negative alternative like pushing the person away or showing them that you don't like them.

Even the priest's homily talks about love... It's becoming more mysterious to me, love...

And here I am and my poor self thinking if I really loved... or if I am capable of loving...

Hoping that in my heart the answer is yes.

my everyday cluttered table

and my futile attempts to set it on fire

my first year anniversary blog entry in the corporate world

Dear Life,

It was my first year anniversary in my first corporate job last October 18, 2011. I cannot believe that I already spent a year waking up and going to work for more than 288 days of my waking life. Personally, it's like studying without the assignments but ten times the expectations, pressure and stress.

There are days when my mind screams "Oh how I looove to work!", Ethel style overflowing with Sheldon Cooper's sarcasm, and days when I catch myself smiling and saying, "I love what I do and I'll do better tomorrow" without malice, only pure determination.

By now, I already know the feeling of working really hard and working just for the hell of it. You get defensive and all aggressive when someone criticizes the work that you spent precious time perfecting - you feel smug proving them wrong, otherwise you just shrug it off.

The workload is literally taller than me. I was not complaining at first, but when the taller than me workload becomes the reason for my failures I realized that even stupid people know when to stop and take a break. I learned that when you get used to working and working and working, it becomes a self-destructive drug. I know it's too early for me to say, but at some point I saw myself evolving as a workaholic monster type of person - not good, not good.

People are nice but they love to talk about other people's personal life. I always try to keep it low on my personal transactions, interactions and other things that spell P-E-R-S-O-N-A-L. It doesn't feel nice people asking you various personal questions like they genuinely care... I think it's only a way to juice up the everyday office life.

But above all, I love the people in my department/division. I do not think I can handle the pressure if it weren't for them. Yes, we all have this unique idiosyncrasies most of the time, but they are decent and loving and I love them. haha, hey they better be touched when they read this (if ever they do). Even though sometimes I feel like being bullied (especially) or tasks are being (unjustly) thrown at me. I still love them in and out of the office, it kind of compensates with the amount of job that I currently have, the laughing and bonding time with them, it definitely makes my day.

mga sentimyento habang nakikinig ng 'marry me' sa pc.

October 18, 2011

Dear Diary,

Nasa office ako ngayon at habang nag ttrabaho ako ng taimtim, biglang pumasok sa isip ko kung anong klaseng kapatid ba ako at kung anong klaseng kapatid ba ako dapat. 

see...ang laki ng pagkakaiba niyan diba?

Naisip ko... kung nakikita ako ng mga kapatid ko, siguro dapat ay umayos ako ng kilos tulad ng kung paano tayo kumikilos sa harapan ng mga taong gusto natin...magpa-impress. AHEM. Example: crush, boss, mga akala nating admirers, at yung mga taong may gusto tayong patunayan.

Napansin ko kasing oo nga, ginagaya ng kapatid ko yung mga kilos ko (unconsciously) kahit na minsan alam nilang mali ito. You always want the best for the ones you love. Kaya naman pag nakikita mong napupunta sila sa mali, may guilt feeling ka din... (applicable to para sa mga taong may malasakit sa kapwa kapatid).


Nasa tabi ko kasi sina Sir Denz tsaka yung kapatid niya, knowing Sir Denz, ingat na ingat siya sa pangalan niya... Madali lang naman i-justify kung bakit. Dahil pangalan lang ang meron tayo dito sa mundo, yung pangalan mo ang magdedefine kung sino ka kung anong klaseng tao ka. Isang factor na din siguro dahil kasama niya sa trabaho yung kapatid niya, isang pagkakamali niya, boom. Apektado din si kapatid.

Alam niya yun, at siguro oras na din para i-absorb ko ito at isabuhay.

favorite song of the week - Rhythm of Love

"We may only have tonight
But till the morning sun you're mine all mine
Play the Music low and swing to the rhythm of love"

Stress and a Glass of Water

A lecturer, when explaining stress management

to an audience,
raised a glass of water and asked,

“How heavy is this glass of water?”

Answers called out ranged from 20g. to 500g.

The lecturer replied,

“The absolute weight doesn’t matter.
It depends on how long you try to hold it.

If I hold it for a minute,

that’s not a problem.

If I hold it for an hour,

I’ll have an ache in my right arm.

If I hold it for a day,

you’ll have to call an ambulance.

In each case, it’s the same weight,

but the longer I hold it,

the heavier it becomes.” 

He continued,

“And that’s the way it is with stress management.
If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later,
as the burden becomes increasingly heavy,
we won’t be able to carry on. “

“As with the glass of water,
you have to put it down for a while and

rest before holding it again.

When we’re refreshed,

we can carry on with the burden.”

“So, before you return home tonight,

put the burden of work down.

Don’t carry it home.
You can pick it up tomorrow.
Whatever burdens you’re carrying now,

set them down and
don’t pick them up again

until after you’ve rested a while”.

Here are some great ways of dealing with the burdens of life:

* Accept that on some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.

* Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.

* Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.

* Drive carefully.  It’s not only cars that can be recalled by their Maker.

* If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

*  If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

* It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to be kind to others.

* Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time,because you won’t have a leg to stand on.

* The second mouse gets the cheese.

* When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

* Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.

* You may be the only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.

* Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

* We could learn a lot from crayons…

Some are sharp,

some are pretty and

some are dull.

Some have weird names and

all are different colors,

but they all have to live in the same box.

*A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour

Favorite song of the week...

"ohh these times are hard and they're making us crazy don't give up on me baby"

What is humility?

What is humility?

According to the homily of Fr. Lito last July 2, 2011 (Saturday – Feast of the Immaculate Heart of Mary), being humble means being honest, understanding and meek, aways willing to learn, giving your best and brings enlightenment to people. (Gusto ko to’ng matandaan habang buhay)

Hindi ako nagkamali nung nagdecide akong mag serve nung araw na to’...

Sa totoo lang matagal ko ding pinagisipan kung pupunta ba ako or hindi sa 6pm mass para mag serve hanggang sa sabi ko “why not?”...

Muntik nang hindi matuloy yung pag punta ko nun kasi eto nanaman ako, nasa office nag ttrabaho.

Pero gaya nga ng bulong ng konsensya ko: be true to your word, Jam.

Kaya pumunta ako.

Siguro kailangan ko nga din ng pahinga... break sa mabilis na ikot ng mundo at takbo ng oras kapag nasa opisina ako... minsan sa bilis pala ng oras at ikot ng mundo, nakakalimutan mo yung mga bagay na importante pala sayo... tulad ng sarili, pamilya, mga kaibigan, mga joke na corny... at ang Diyos.

Aminado akong kinakain ako ng buhay ng trabaho. Hindi ko alam kung marami talaga o nawawalan na lang ako ng gana... siguro both.

Kaya naman nung nag attend ako ng mass, parang natauhan ako. Dati pakiramdam ko passionate ako and humble, pero habang nakikinig ako ng homily ni Fr. Lito, si Phoebe yung unang tao na pumasok sa isip ko as humble and passionate.

Nakaramdam ako ng konting kirot sa puso ko kasi alam kong hindi ko na masabi sa sarili kong isa rin akong ehemplo ng pagiging mapagkumbaba... maraming bagay na ata yung ipinagbago ko, pakiramdam ko malapit na kong mahulog sa bangin (ng kawalan), konti nalang at hindi ko na kayang kumapit pa...

Naisip ko, lumalayo na ko sa Diyos... ayoko pero bakit pakiramdam ko nahihirapan ako. Bakit parang korny, irrelevant, waste of time... nawawala na yung sense niya sa buhay ko... bakit ganun?

Masyado na ata akong naging mapagmataas... pakiramdam ko kaya ko na lahat. Pero hindi. Napapagod ako... madalas. Sa panandalian kong paglayo sa Diyos, sa panandaliang oras na naisip kong hindi ko Siya kailangan... Bigla akong nahiya sa sarili ko, dahil ba nahihirapan ako kaya lumalapit ako uli?

Oh baka naman pinapaalala niya lang na:

 “Jam, hindi ka naman mag-isa, lumapit ka lang, wag kang mahiya... andito lang ako”

Mas lalo tuloy akong nahiya, pero sa loob loob ko:

“Please Lord... KSP lang talaga ako, konting suyo pa...”

Parang bata... kahit alam kong buong buhay ko sinusuyo niya ako, ngayon, gusto ko padin na suyuin pa niya ako ulit… haha! Selfish ba? Baka sadyang KSP lang (kulang sa pagmamahal).

admission

I know this is not the sweetest thing to tell...
but hey i think you never thought of me as sweet in the first place...
and please don't laugh at my lame attempt to tell you how i feel:

I never ever ever (ever) liked you.
I never imagined you + me.
and I never thought you'd like me.

but you got my attention with that message (yeah that epic  facebook msg)
only to know that it was addressed not only to me;
just imagine how disappointed i was. (argh)

I thought it was safe, that you were safe, only to realize it's never safe with you.

It was like jumping into a cold lake.
it stings you at first, makes you shiver,
then you'd feel comfortable...
and when you try to get out of the water,
you'd want to get back in.

adik.

I hate you for being so demanding.
And how you appear smart with your witty comebacks.
I hate you because you appear so righteous.
And how I feel like NOT the victim.

HAHA!

But I cannot help but wonder...
and want to wonder more...
can we really make it?

because i want to...

You always tell me not to give up.
I don't have any freaking plans to give up.
Please don't change your mind and heart... (at least with the I want it to be YOU)
Because I'm pretty sure I want to know and see and like and love and want and need you
everyday...

(every freaking day, and night, and you for the rest of my life - sounds familiar?)

and sorry for not going where i said i would go (greenhills)
PERO i got hurt when you told me "hanggang salita lang ako"
i admit my mistake. sorry.
at least ako pag nag so-sorry I really mean it without any sarcasm. (unlike someone i know)
TSK end of convo. hahaha! world peace :)

with the issue of tyranny (this is sooo weird)...
i see you have a tendency to push what you want and use your kakulitan as an advantage. persistent ba... parang what-i-want-i-get-attitude, right now. no excuses. -  authoritative... thus with the term tyranny. (feel free to rebut -kung mababasa mo to')

please don't tell me di ka na hihingi ng favor sakin...
kasi gusto ko sana...
na sakin ka humihingi ng favor...

tsaka yung msg na may breakfast everyday
(sana di ka na offend... di ko lam kung bakit yun yung specific na sinend ko pero natawa kasi ako nun... I thought I'd share it with you...)

PS I love you (maganda yung movie na yan :D )

"none for now"

It was closed and sealed.

And I didn’t want to open it. 

So here I am. 

~

Any explanation would make me un-credible (as if i'm not already labeled as a liar). I hate to admit it but he got the big points – I hate to admit it but all I can do is hold on and hope that he doesn't give up or one day just ignore me an we’ll be strangers for a lifetime. More-so, to slip on and spill the ‘foolishness’ that ‘I’ did. Its as if I can explain.

I realized that explanations fall on deaf ears most of the time – you appear defensive and guilty when you do, you know, explain (well I am, it sucks that I can’t do anything about it).

If you’ll ask me if i did regret? I didn't... a small part yes, and it was for being too kind. 

Jason Mraz - If It Kills Me

Hello, tell me you know
Yeah, you figured me out
Something gave it away
It would be such a beautiful moment
To see the look on your face
To know that I know that you know now

And baby that's a case of my wishful thinking
You know nothing
Well you and I
Why, we go carrying on for hours on end
We get along much better
Than you and your boyfriend

[Chorus:]
Well all I really wanna do is love you
A kind much closer than friends use
But I still can't say it after all we've been through
And all I really want from you is to feel me
As the feeling inside keeps building
And I will find a way to you if it kills me
If it kills me

How long, can I go on like this,
Wishing to kiss you,
Before I rightly explode?
This double life I lead isn't healthy for me
In fact it makes me nervous
If I get caught I could be risking it all

Cause maybe there's a lot that I miss
In case I'm wrong

[Chorus]

If I should be so bold
I'd ask you to hold my heart in your hand
I'd tell you from the start how I've longed to be your man
But I never said a word
I guess I'm gonna miss my chance again

All I really wanna do is love you
A kind much closer than friends use
But I still can't say it after all we've been through
And all I really want from you is to feel me
As the feeling inside keeps building
And I will find a way to you if it kills me
If it kills me
If it kills me
I think it might kill me

And all I really want from you is to feel me
Yeah, the feeling inside keeps building
I'll find a way to you if it kills me
If it kills me
It might kill me

Para sa pinakmamahal.

Para sayo.

Kung makita mo kong may dalang patalim.

Matakot ka.

Siguradong sasaksakin kita at tatadtarin ng pagmamahal kong

Mas pula pa sa kulay ng dugo, mas malapot pa pulot.

Galing sakin.sakim.

morbid time.morbid.